Why It's Hard to Pray with Your Spouse
Louis McBurney
Often our expectations of spiritual intimacy are unrealistic or simply vague.
— Louis McBurney
A sick feeling takes over the pit of my stomach. The pastor's wife I'm counseling has just brought up a topic I'd rather avoid. Nancy is registering her hurt at the hands of her pastor-husband — and nailing me in the process.
"I remember how excited I was when we fell in love and I realized I was going to be married to a minister," she says. "I had always prayed for a godly husband, a man who would be a spiritual leader for me and our children. I was sure Joe would be God's answer to those prayers. We even prayed together on our dates. It gave me such a secure feeling.
"I just don't know what happened. After we married, all of that stopped. Oh, sometimes we still pray together or read the Bible, but only if I insist. That doesn't feel right. I want him to take the leadership for our spiritual life together."
I'm gulping hard and nodding knowingly — too knowingly. I've heard my wife echo similar concerns. This is one of my frequent failures: taking initiative for spiritual closeness in marriage.
Why is spiritual intimacy with my wife so easy to avoid?
Reasonable Excuses
I've discovered I'm not alone. Most of the ministers we counsel at Marble Retreat also struggle with this problem. It is another one of the pressures ministry leaders face, and it is intensified by both the secular culture (and its lack of interest in spiritual issues) and church culture, especially the special dynamics between a pastor and spouse. As I've worked with ministry couples, and my own marriage, I've seen a few common explanations (or excuses) emerge.
The first is the professional-exhaustion defense. It goes something like this: "I have to keep up this mask of ...
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