A Stronger Heart for Worship
Kevin Bidwell
April 1, 2000
I confess. I've lusted. I've lusted after the kind of church that someone else is pastoring. More than occasionally. Worse yet, I hid my lust by pretending my church was actually better. Or at least just as good.
The object of my lust was worship. I wanted the kind of worship at my church that I saw and heard about at others. I wanted to see people moved by the Spirit during a service. Tears. Joy. Intimacy with God.
I found many people and situations to blame for my unfulfilled desire. It was the board, the lack of musicians, the town, the backward people, the building ("If only I had a larger sanctuary"), the denomination ("Pentecostals don't have this problem").
It was everything, except me.
After all, I had the desire. I was the one who "spoke for God." I couldn't be the problem, could I?
Well, yes.
I didn't openly hinder worship; in fact, I was all for it. I taught that it was a good thing to celebrate God. "Taste and see that the Lord is good" was a text I was familiar with. (I wasn't too familiar with the taste, just the verse.) It wasn't that I didn't want people to love Jesus. The problem was I had no idea what loving Jesus meant.
Messing with my mind and emotions
My faith was cerebral. I grew up in a stoic family that went to a stoic church. Faith had to do with reason. If someone were to ask me, "Do you love Jesus?" I would have said yes, though with little emotion attached. I had the "if you love me you will obey my commands" down cold. I would love Jesus as long as doing was as far as it went. I didn't want him messing with my emotions.
Worship was an hour on Sunday morning. While I had passion when it came to my wife and children, I had none when it came to expressing my faith through worship. I was opposed to the "hand-raising, ...
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