Why I Resist Accountability
July 1, 1996
I had nothing to hide. No reprehensible behavior I was struggling with, no
glaring character defects. In fact, I was feeling pretty self-righteous.
Doug Self, with whom I've been meeting weekly since 1976, and I were sitting
comfortably in front of the fireplace at the Redstone Inn, enjoying our early
cup of coffee as usual. We filled each other in on our week's events as usual.
We enjoyed the peaceful ambiance as usual.
Then out of the blue, Doug said, "Louis, I have something for you from the
Lord."
Not as usual.
Doug proceeded to point out some ungodly attitudes in me that he'd been noticing.
He had been hearing me be critical and unloving.
Ouch!
I knew what he was referring to. Frankly, I wasn't interested in re-evaluating
my position or changing it.
The encounter reminded me why I need accountability-and why I resist it.
I find accountability difficult for at least four reasons. I fear rejection
"If you really knew what I'm like inside, you wouldn't want to be seen with
me."
I've heard that from countless individuals during my twenty-five years as
a psychiatrist. At times I've felt the same way. Fear of rejection often
makes accountability scary. But the times I've come clean, no matter how
hard, have led to acceptance and forgiveness rather than rejection.
I learned this lesson early on.
My parents stressed honesty: "It will be better for you to tell the truth
than try to lie. If we find out you've been untruthful, your punishment will
be much worse." Growing up, I believed that. In fact my fear of the "much
worse" was usually stronger than my fear of rejection.
I remember vividly one exception, and it taught me it's better to open up
than get caught.
In fifth grade, there was a new girl ...
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