With a Little Help From My Friends
WHEN THE SEARCH COMMITTEE at my current church was considering my qualifications, they interviewed some parishioners at my former church. The committee was glad to hear that I was close to everyone equally and did not play favorites. Although the committee viewed this as a compliment, I am not sure it was. It merely said that I had mastered the illusion of intimacy. For some reasons I will probably never know, I was closer to fewer people there than I had been at any other church. This phenomenon has been discussed at length in ministry publications such as Leadership Journal and others, but the truth is even more painful at mid-life: lthough we have relationships with many in the church, we may be close to no one. This is compounded by the fact that most every person in the church feels as if he or she knows the pastor on some level. Many of us, by our use of personal illustrations in sermons, may give others the feeling that they know us personally. They do not. Some pastors, especially from my generation and older, may even have denied themselves close personal friendships in the church out of fear of being cliquish. Now past fifty, I no longer want to be a mile wide and an inch deep in the sea of relationships. I have recognized the importance of having a few deep friendships because I find they make me an emotionally healthier person and thus a better pastor. When I talk with other ministers my age, I hear that the lack of real friendship is a common issue. I know a few pastors who have given up the illusion of intimacy that several shallow relationships create and have said, in effect, "I don't care if I make somebody angry or that a minister is supposed to be friends with everyone. I need close friends." Not only is ...
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