Deepening Your Ministry Through Prayer and Personal Growth

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The greatest need of unstructured people is to accept and celebrate who we are in Christ.
—Charles Killian

Igrew up with a profound sense of inadequacy at practicing spiritual disciplines.

I remember weeping myself to sleep many nights as a boy, apologizing to God for failing to read enough of the Bible, for not praying enough, or for just not being the person I thought I should be. I saw God as a referee in a black-and-white-striped shirt, ready to call a technical or throw me out of the game. At best, I saw him as a taskmaster shouting, "Back to the yoke. You haven't measured up yet."

I wanted so much to earn the smile of God's approval, and as hard as I worked for it, I never sensed God say, "Good boy, Chuck." I felt as if I failed the test of what a spiritual person should be.

I was raised in a good home; my mother took us to church twice on Sunday and once during the week. Her heart was right, but there was a certain rigidity about our faith. We were scrupulous about religious activity, and every time an altar call was given, I responded. I went forward so many times to be born again I ended up with stretch marks on my soul.

I remember one evening when our small church was holding revival meetings. The evangelist preached that we were the ones who nailed Christ to the cross. That image stuck in my mind, and that evening I cried myself to sleep, apologizing to God for killing his Son.

I didn't understand the unconditional love of God that motivated Christ's sacrifice, that my sin was completely covered by the Atonement, and that grace meant God was neither angry with me nor blaming me for the death of his Son.

For the next thirty years, I labored under perfectionism. This played into my understanding of spiritual disciplines. ...

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