Heart & Soul
July 1, 2000
I'm considering the possibility of changing jobs—after six years, moving to … the place isn't important. Even though I've been down this road before, I still haven't got it figured out. Every time it feels like the first time. One doesn't yawn, and say, "Been there, done that," at the thought of leaving a huge known to go to a bigger unknown, especially if the known has been the richest and most productive of my 30 years in ministry. I need to think out loud before God and you. This verges on narcissism, I know. But please indulge me. Maybe it will create a fellowship of encouragement among those at a similar place and stimulate reflection about answering God's call. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm a little scared. At 57 years, I feel about my life like Lou Holtz said he felt as coach at the University of Minnesota: "It isn't the end of the world, but you can see it from here." I'm in the Minnesota of my days, the end for me is definitely in sight. The time was when I wondered if people wondered if I was too young for whatever it was I wanted to do. Now the question lurks: Am I too old? Once the temptation was to push through with bluster and determination. Now it is to hold back, hold on, and play it safe. I hate that! I want to live the rest of my days as Karl Barth urged in the vocation section of Church Dogmatics. He said growing older is like a river approaching the falls. Can the river hold back? Of course not! "As if it were possible to freeze or solidify at the point where the river of responsibility should flow more torrentially than ever in view of the approaching falls, of the proximity of the coming Judge!" The time now in my life is not for small measures, but for abandon. Forgive me, Father, for thinking ...
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