Healing Underground Anger
January 1, 1999
Several years ago, a church member I couldn't please was on the phone. "I want you to know," he said, "I have no problem with what you are trying to do, but … "
His criticism wasn't any worse than usual—the Sunday evening service "was dull"—but it hit me at a bad time. Earlier that week I had waded through a 15-page epistle correcting my view of baptism. The previous Sunday, tension had crackled over approval of the church budget.
I was tired of it. I came home defeated, telling God and my wife, "I have to do something else with my life!" The next day I took my first mental-health day. I went to the library and researched a doctor of ministry program in marriage-and-family counseling. In short order, I enrolled with the intention of changing careers.
I was through with the pastorate.
As part of the requirements for the program, I had to reflect on relationship patterns in my family of origin and in my marriage. I discovered I was a "conflict avoider." Around angry people, I felt fearful, lost objectivity, and lacked honesty in my communication. I would do anything to stop their anger—take the blame, play the martyr, or make jokes. That part of my life was built on sand.
It also played into the weaknesses of the church. Twenty-two years before, our church had experienced a devastating split. For years we had felt its repercussions. After the split, the church had learned to avoid public conflict.
I wondered if in a strange way the church and I had been drawn to each other. I functioned as their shock absorber. That had slowly driven me to the brink.
But that was also a first step toward helping our church confront its past and heal its wounded spirit.
The new Ken
I continued the D.Min. program while pastoring, ...
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