How Many Did You Have Last Sunday?
January 1, 1998
I confess to sporadic bouts of doubt and cynicism. These intrusions of carnality into my pastor-heart spring from the temptation to play the church numbers game, creating my pastoral self-image based on attendance figures. I thought when I finally led a large congregation I'd be able to shed the demeaning sense of inadequacy the game provokes in me. Not so. I still wrestle at times with a hideous smallness in my soul, just as I did years ago when Anna and I planted a church that zoomed from zero to forty-five in four years. I began to doubt my motives when I found comfort in reports that another pastor had a setback. I grew irritated over the practice of those who glibly rounded off numbers. (Apparently nobody ever had 484 in attendance, only 500). I lived in the shadow of three-digit attendance figures. I thought the day I broke one hundred, a peace would fill my soul. When it happened, solace was temporary, and soon I was haunted again. Only the numbers had changed. Which is worse: the pain of being asked, "How many did you have yesterday?" after attendance has slumped, or the pain of not being asked when attendance is up? While speaking recently, I needed to refer to our church's size. Suddenly I heard myself rounding off to the next highest number. I even felt myself beginning to preen! Nauseated at my readiness to lock my identity to a number, I confessed my concession to this puniness of soul. While exhorting others to integrity, I was compromising it. Let me say that I do believe in counting sheep. There are examples in the Bible of good record keeping and numerical reports. However, the Word also warns against becoming more concerned with numerical strength than with God's ways. David reaped judgment when he displeased ...
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