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LeadershipConfronting controversy with character and grace.
Spring 1998

Managing Conflict Community Life

Soul & Spirit The Pastor

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Resisting the Urge to Hit Back
When revenge tempts you, here's how to forgive completely.



I had just received a scathing letter from a couple unhappy about a situation in the youth department. Their response was carnal; they certainly didn't understand the whole situation. I hadn't yet been able to meet with them.

When I stepped up to preach that Sunday morning, I felt ungracious and carried a grudge. During my introduction, I made some ad-lib quips that gave everyone a chuckle—everyone except the couple who had sent the letter. While the congregation held their sides in laughter, this couple sat stoically, second row, center section, arms folded, eyes staring through me.

By the time I finished the sermon (with no more humor), I felt physically sick and spiritually wasted. My unforgiveness was quickly growing into bitterness and resentment.

My tendency not to forgive even insignificant offenses has forced me to think clearly about the steps I need to take to restore my relationship with God and the offender.

1. Recognize my weak spots

Most people tend to be sensitive where they've been battered numerous times. The criticism leveled at me by the family angry about the youth ministry event was only one in a series of skirmishes with them. Their attitude, devoid of grace, was the final straw for me. I felt they had no interest in giving anyone the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps because some of my worst conflicts in ministry have involved people who I felt lacked grace and understanding, I tend to react with anger in such situations. I'm quickly set off by people who excel in fault-finding.

As I've learned to recognize my weak spots, I've found I am better able to control my responses. My challenge is to receive from the Holy Spirit grace and forgiveness for these saints rather than fight back in anger, unforgiveness, ...



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