Alone with Lust
July 1, 1996
My wife had risen early to work out at the local health club. I was still
asleep.
Since my car was parked behind hers in the driveway, she decided to drive
mine. The windshield was frosted, so she began rummaging in my car for an
ice scraper. When she reached under the seat, she pulled out a video—a porn
video.
Not knowing what it was—though she knew by the title it wasn't work-related-she
came into the house and shoved it into the vcr. Minutes later she ran into
our bedroom. I awoke to her sobbing, "What is this!?"
My secret was out.
Before that memorable morning, I had been renting hard-core porno movies
for a year and a half. The downward spiral began in college; I began regularly
thumbing through magazines like Playboy and Penthouse. Marriage
didn't help. In fact, it provided more opportunities to be alone, when I
was on the road or when my wife was at work. At the depth of my fatal attraction,
I would wait until my wife went to work to perform my ritual.
In one sense, though, I felt strange relief at my wife's discovery. I had
wanted to be rid of my sin for so long. But I also was scared. Now my sin
was my wife's burden. I worried about our future.
At the time, ironically, I was reading Neil Anderson's The Bondage
Breaker, so I knew I needed someone beside my wife to help me; I needed
a confessor. I called my pastor and, spiritually, threw myself at his feet.
He suggested we read Anderson's book together and begin meeting once a week.
Throughout our time together, my pastor never implied that he struggled with
pornography. Ours wasn't a "Hey, I've been there, too" relationship; yet
there was no condemnation. He asked most of the questions, and I answered
them. For example, each ...
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