December 11 1995

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"Haunted Marriage," by Clark E. Barshinger, Lojan E. La Rowe, and Andres Tapia (InterVarsity, 192 pp.; $10.99, paper). Reviewed by Stefan Ulstein, a freelance journalist based in Bellevue, Washington. His new book," Growing Up Fundamentalist: Journeys in Legalism and Grace" (InterVarsity), has just been published.

One afternoon, after four years of turbulent marriage, Andres Tapia found his wife curled up in a corner, nauseated, terrified, and utterly defeated. Her mood swings had bottomed out. A victim of childhood sexual abuse, Lori Tapia had been unable to keep the lid on the cauldron of evil that had scarred her deepest soul. Unable to trust her husband's love, fearful and sometimes repelled by sexual intimacy, she seemed at times to be deliberately driving him away. He felt that he could do nothing right.

Andres Tapia strove mightily to avoid conflict, took offense when his wife's anger and rage were directed toward him, and generally bungled it. The Tapias are not unique. Many marriages (including my own) have been haunted by the evil of childhood sexual abuse, and few husbands are equipped to stay the course without help.

In "Haunted Marriage," Andres Tapia provides the narrative line, sharing vignettes from the early years of his marriage through the five-year ordeal of therapy and spiritual renewal. Psychotherapists Clark E. Barshinger and Lojan E. La Rowe follow up with case studies and practical advice. It is a well-conceived and thoughtfully executed approach that will be enormously helpful to people struggling in haunted marriages.

Spouses of abuse victims will recognize the scenarios: the wife who dreads certain rooms, or a particular touch that subconsciously reminds her of a hellish past. In a section on "shadowboxing," ...