GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD PASTORS
Boundaries can lengthen and strengthen your ministry.
F
January 1, 1993
Desperate, Pastor Gary Stiles slouched on the sofa in my office.
"Dr. Blackmon, our ship is sinking, and if we don't get help fast, we're going under!"
Gary's wife, Sue, sat nearby, crying softly. As their story tumbled out, I felt the pressure of their sleepless nights and 80-hour work weeks.
"Our ministry no longer has any joy or meaning," Gary sputtered.
In twenty years of ministry, they had toiled faithfully in three congregations. Their ministry was acclaimed widely as a success.
In the last year, however, their church had begun to criticize them. Feelings of inadequacy and fatigue began to fester. They buried their pain, keeping their confusion and struggles secret. With nowhere to turn, they desperately needed a confidant.
"I guess my fire has gone out," explained Gary. "Now I'm either angry at every little thing or so tired I can't stand the thought of helping one more person.
"At first I thought if I just worked harder I could turn things around. But that isn't working. Now our marriage is showing the strain."
"What can you do to help us?" Gary and Sue pleaded, almost simultaneously.
Rethinking basic assumptions
In ten years of counseling pastors and their families, I've discovered that the problems facing a couple like Gary and Sue can be traced to their assumptions about ministry.
In our initial conversation, they revealed their "it's better to wear out than rust out" attitude, which suggests that if things aren't going well in the ministry, then the pastor must not be working hard enough.
Sue reinforced this belief by quoting Bible passages that encouraged them to "take up their cross," leaving the family for the sake of Christ.
To balance this exhausting model they had endorsed over the years, I, too, quoted Scripture passages. ...
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