WHEN NOT TO CONFRONT
Sometimes conflict is better left alone.
Leroy R. Armstrong, Jr.
January 1, 1993
Sometimes we're tempted to solve the wrong conflict. Their wedding day approaching, a young couple I'd been counseling was stuck. They couldn't agree about anything-the order of the ceremony, the ring bearer, the reception. Feeling misunderstood, they couldn't look at each other without arguing. My first instinct was to help them resolve their dispute. But in talking with the young man, I learned the real source of their conflict: his future mother-in-law. She was terrorizing their relationship by second-guessing almost every wedding decision they made. This was more than just an enthusiastic mother of the bride. She ended up imposing her will on their wedding and their relationship. The bride felt torn between her mother and her husband-to-be. I came to see their conflict on two fronts: the communication breakdown between the couple and the interference by the future mother-in-law. The couple's conflict did not seem abnormal; engagement is always a time of high stress. The tension created by the mother-in-law, however, threatened their relationship. I chose not to confront their own tensions. "Communication with your future wife will improve over time," I advised. "Your conflict is a normal part of learning to relate to each other. "Your mother-in-law's meddling, however, is a different matter. Time will only make it worse. If you don't address the issue, it could potentially sabotage your marriage." I recommended confrontation. I was right. After a particularly difficult face-to-face with the mother of the bride, both conflicts were resolved. Two conflicts, two responses. That experience taught me that some battles need to be fought, while others can be finessed. Church conflicts also require a variety of prescriptions. Conflict ...
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