The Back Page
Walter Wangerin, Jr.
October 1, 1990
On the night before I preach, I pace-back and forth in my room, mumbling sermonic thoughts, testing them, scorning a hundred thoughts, exulting in one or two that shine like coin, investing those. I grow breathless when I pace. I make strange noises. But the house must be as silent as death. And the mighty God must stand by me to save me, because there surely will come great waves of doubt to drown me, and then I will splutter, "Help me, Lord!" and gasp: "What do you want me to say?" Not all the scriptural interpretation in the world will save me from this nighttime ride on stormy water: I'm going to preach, and I get scared. In the few hours I sleep, I dream. In my dreams I arrive at church too late, and people are leaving. I can't find my vestments, my clothes are shabby, and people are impatient. Or (the second greatest horror) smack in the middle of preaching, I notice that I'm in my underwear. Or (the worst) I've forgotten totally what I'd planned to say. I wake at 5 A.M. I don't eat because I can't. My internal self is as unstable as water. But when I meet the people, my external self has donned a smile, speaks softly, touches everyone, and moves to worship with aplomb. And lo, I preach. And on any given Sunday, I succeed. No one expects a pastoral collapse. Everyone takes this sermon for granted, while I breathe secret reams of gratitude to God. But when Saturday comes again, I pace again, wild-eyed and terrified. You too? Does success astonish you, as well, since the prospect of preaching had cut you at the gut? When I was young, I thought experience would calm my fears. It didn't. For years I prayed God would grant me a pre-sermon peace. God didn't. And I accused myself of faithlessness. But now I wonder: Perhaps the fear ...
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