HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE
Some people want you to listen; others genuinely want you to speak.
Fred Smith
January 1, 1987
I was having lunch with a psychologist who offers her services part-time to her church. As we talked, she was asking me questions about her cases.
Finally I said, "This is ludicrous. I've never studied counseling a day in my life. I'm a businessman, and you're a Ph.D. in psychology, the head of a clinic. Why are you asking me?"
"There's a difference between counseling and asking for advice," she said. "I come to you for good advice."
I was intrigued with her distinction, and reflecting on it, I think it's an important one. Sometimes, I suspect, we confuse the two functions.
Advice is suggesting a specific action within a specific time frame, and it deals with factual things: purchases, job changes, decisions.
Counsel is guidance toward a better relationship, attitude, or lifestyle-things that can't be quantified or tightly scheduled. For instance, counselors can't promise, "You'll have a handle on your depression within two months." When a person wants advice, however, one of the best questions is "How much time do you have to make a decision?"
Often the best counselors are not good advisers. The two functions require different information, experience, and responsibilities. I have a friend who is an excellent investment adviser, but he would be lost trying to counsel a strained marriage. He understands markets, not emotions.
It helps to know which you can do. A man called me recently and said, "Can I talk to you?" We met for lunch, and after an hour, I said, "There's no point in talking further, because I've told you all you can hear." I cut him short, not to be rude but because he'd asked for advice, I'd given it, and he didn't want to follow it. 1 know I'm not a counselor, who ministers by listening and helping people work through ...
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