Emotions Spring 1987

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When Jack, a fellow pastor and friend, arrived for dinner, I could see he was troubled. Later he shared the source of his dejection: "Today one of my key leaders told me he's leaving the church." The member wasn't moving out of town. Just leaving.

While Jack spoke, I felt my own anger and hurt resurfacing from similar experiences in the pastorate. I wanted to help him, but other than sharing his discouragement over the loss of disgruntled members, how could I?

I decided to ask a dozen colleagues how they handle the emotional fallout from dropout members.

All of them share a sense of failure when a family leaves the church. A pastor in the Southwest admits: "Sometimes I have been able to say, 'Well, you can't win them all.' But when I'm alone with my thoughts, my mind wanders back to those people. I try to guess what's behind their leaving. I know I can't minister to everybody, but it hurts when people leave."

Another observed: "No matter how much explanation people give to assure me that 'It's not you, Pastor,' I still feel that pain personally." Pastors typically accept overall responsibility for the church's ministry. Whether the unhappiness is with an adult class, the youth ministry, or the music, the minister always feels the sting.

"You can usually narrow the reasons for leaving to a few," one pastor told me. "People feel they don't belong, they don't agree with some doctrine, they want a different style of program, or they don't have any friends. Often they say they're 'not being fed.' "

But since the church often reflects the pastor's personality and philosophy of ministry, when a member announces, "I'm leaving the church," pastors translate that, "I'm rejecting you!"

A number ...

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