The Sermon Spring 1983

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After reading Bruce Feirstein's book, Real Men Don't Eat Quiche, subtitled, "A guidebook to all that is truly masculine," Jim Berkley decided male ministers needed something similar. So while thumping on tire chains through a Sierra snowstorm, he and three colleagues developed the following traits of a real minister.

Real ministers know the difference between infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism, but don't care enough to remember.

Real ministers talk back to their choir directors.

Real ministers don't use interlinear texts.

Real ministers know the difference between heilsgeschichte and bullgeschichte.

Real ministers work only one hour a week.

Real ministers never have to pay for their own lunch.

Real ministers don't worry about declining membership because they REALLY preach the gospel.

Real ministers don't use answering machines or pocket pagers.

Real ministers don't heat their baptistries.

Real ministers secretly admire Robert Schuller.

Real ministers have actually read every book in their libraries.

Real ministers never split churches, although they occasionally salvage remnants.

Real ministers stack the board.

Real ministers obey municipal speed limits but not freeway speed limits.

Real ministers have "The Praying Hands" somewhere in their homes.

Real ministers have children by immaculate conception.

Real ministers don't lead Holy Land tours.

Real ministers aren't afraid to take on the mother of the bride.

Real ministers remember everybody's name.

Real ministers don't need LEADERSHIP.

-Jan Armstrong, Incline Village, Nevada

Jim Berkley, Dixon, California

Alexander Brown, Gridley, California

Dale Ridenour, Colusa, California

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