Gridiron Glossary
July 1, 1994
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases. Although these definitions are not the best football and certainly not the best theology, they would help initiate football fans into the complexities of church life.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FACE MASK: Smiling and saying everything is fine when it isn't.
BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air-conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY: What restless children do during a long sermon.
END AROUND: Diaper-changing time in the nursery.
END ZONE: The pews.
FORWARD MOTION: The invitation at an evangelistic service.
FULLBACK: What the choir sees while the sermon is delivered.
HALFBACK: What the organist sees.
HASH MARKS: Stains left on the tablecloth after a potluck.
HEAD LINESMAN: The one who changes the overhead projector transparencies.
ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS: Clapping at an inappropriate point in the service.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
IN THE POCKET: Where some church members keep God's tithe.
INCOMPLETE PASS: A dropped offering plate.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the prelude.
LINEBACKER: A statistic used by a preacher to support a point just made.
PASSING GAME: The maneuver required of latecomers when the person sitting at the end of the pew won't slide to the middle.
QUARTERBACK: What tightwads want after putting fifty cents in the offering.
RUNNING BACKS: Those who make repeated trips to the rest room.
THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS: Getting things done via the elders or church board.
TOUCHBACK: The laying on of hands.
TWO-MINUTE ...
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