Evangelism Summer 2001

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In February of tenth grade, a huge longhaired guy named Mike beat me up after school. He had learned that a male friend had sexually abused me when I was young. Concluding that I was a "faggot" (as he so eloquently put it), Mike decided I deserved to be beaten up. To him it was a simple mathematical equation. The fight didn't last very long. I spent most of my free time reading books and playing video games—not activities that make one much of a fighter. Mike got me in a headlock, I cried uncle, and that was it.

Well, that wasn't quite it. I had dug a deep grave to bury the secret of my sexual abuse, and now that secret was unearthed.

In the months after the fight with Mike, I wandered the halls at lunch hour, pretending I had somewhere to go when I really didn't. I had a few friends, but I spent most of my time with them drinking—the more alcohol the better. I had a couple of girlfriends in high school, but those relationships were based heavily on physical intimacy. Alcohol and sex provided a mind-numbing escape from shame. My hunger for intimacy battled with the terror of being truly known.

Looking back, I wonder: where was God? Why, if Jesus is so loving and full of compassion, wasn't he around? There was the psychologist with her flash cards and Rorschach tests. There was my high school English teacher who encouraged my writing. But from God, not a peep. The Christians I knew seemed to think that all God cared about was that people "accept Jesus into their hearts," remain sexually pure, not drink, and be happy.

I finally did "accept Jesus into my heart" the year after high school. I was longing to fit in and be accepted by the group of Christian friends I had met. Yet the cross, as they explained it to me, did not seem ...

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