From Duty to Delight
I'd become self-absorbed and numb. Could I learn to live and love again?
By Scott Ranck
July 1, 2004
It took me a while to realize that ministry had become all about me. On Sundays my wife, Gayle, got herself and our kids ready while I was busing everyone else's kids to church. On our daughter's first birthday, I ran to the church ("just for a moment") and a guy snagged me to talk about his marriage problems. I got so wrapped up that I forgot my family was waiting for me! When I arrived home, the party was over, my daughter was in bed, and I had missed it all. Another time the whole family wanted to have a picnic at the park. I didn't want to, but I was overruled. I went, but I was irritable all day. Then it hit me: Your family always does everything you want. The one time you do what they want, you're a bear. Perhaps I was (a tad) selfish, I admitted. Unfortunately, the pastorate was perpetuating the problem. I liked the feeling of being used by the Lord. I thrived on the attention and positive feedback. I couldn't understand why I enjoyed church members' needs me but resented my family's requests. But, dear, they need me!
Even though our church was growing at a healthy rate, I feared the whole thing could crumble at any time. While compliments made me feel like I was somebody, harsh words or misunderstandings would send me into a two-day slump. Whatever significance I felt, from a big Sunday or a kind word, was hollow and short-lived. It wasn't enough to fill me with a sense of God's pleasure. There is a subtle but huge difference between ministering from a full heart and ministering in order to prove something. ... Yet as Gayle and I were talking one day, she said, "I'm not sure I want to do the Friday lunches anymore." "Why not?" "I feel like I am just another task for you," she said. "You go to lunch with me, but you don't ...
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